Slovotsky's Laws

I have been re-reading a bunch of my Joel Rosenberg novels lately.  Damn, the man can just tell a good story.  Well, to be fair, I dislike a few of his series, but the Guardians of the Flame series is among the very best I have ever read.  I know that some few of you are Literacy Challenged.  I have a few knuckleheads at the dojo that tend to burst into flame if made to read more than four pages a week.  Keeping that in mind, as well as the fact that most of those knuckleheads don't have MYSPACE (having to read the internet instead of just looking at the pretty pictures is way too much for them…) what I am actually hoping to do is produce a chuckle or two and maybe turn somebody on to Rosenberg.

Now, I know that there are quite a few more Slovotsky's Laws than these, but this is the most accurate list I felt like monkey futzing with.  All of these laws I have actually seen in the books.  I just looked at a web site that have four hundred fucking some listed, including a couple hundred that I know were never written by Rosenberg. 

So fuck those posers.

For your edification and amusement, I present a few of

Slovotsky's Laws

• A hero's work is never done. Which is one of the minor reasons I don't recommend the profession.
• When it comes to throwing a fit, it's better to give than to receive -- and much better to avoid the whole thing entirely.
• It's easier to ask forgiveness than to get permission.
• Boldness is like a condom. If you depend on it all the time, no matter how good it is, and no matter how good you are, eventually it will break.
• I always have a fallback position whenever I take a risk. If all else fails, I'll die horribly, at great length, and in great pain. Mind you, it's not a good fallback position...
• Relax, the universe is out to get you.
• When it comes to dealing with the law of averages, it's best to be a habitual offender.
• Slovotsky's Law 9: Sometimes, you can't do anything about something that sucks.
• Slovotsky's Law 9 (revised): Sometimes, you can't do anything about something that sucks -- until later.
• Doing the best thing right away is much better than doing the second-best thing after much hesitation. I didn't say it's easier, mind, just better.
• Give me a place to stand, and I'll probably move along anyway.
• While it doesn't get the good press that hard work and industry get, laziness is a talent to be cultivated, like any other.
• The hot bath is an art form, and one I wish I had the time to practice assiduously.
• Wanting it doesn't make it so. If it did, we'd all learn to want harder. I can already want quite vigorously, thank you very much.
• Nothing is more annoying than someone who has a keen eye for the obvious.
• Slovotsky's Law 16: When the universe doesn't give a fuck, don't be mad: it's being as friendly as it ever gets.
• Slovotsky's Law 17: Thou shalt always cover thy ass.
• ...if you choose how to do it at random, you will screw it up...if you're careful about how you do it, you'll probably screw it up. Still, "probably" is better than "will."
• Slovotsky's Laws 19: When telling a story, effect trumps truth.
• Audacity is a virtue that should always be practiced with caution.
• The most important lesson in karate is running. The first thing you do in a fight, is to turn and run away. Run for at least a mile, preferably two or three. If he's still chasing you, he's probably out of breath by then. If it's still worth fighting about, you turn around and beat him up.
• Slovotsky's Law 22: Never date a woman with a brother named Nunzio.
• Slovotsky's Law 23: Trouble with Jewish girls is that their desire to do is in inverse proportion to their willingness to talk about it.
• Sometimes, it's good to be wrong.
• I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four.
• Just once, I'd like to have an enemy against whom nonviolence would be a workable option -- workable in the sense of me not ending up dancing on the end of a spear or cut into tiny, bite-sized pieces.
• Involve yourself with the world. Reach out. Touch. Taste. Live. Trust me on this one, if nothing else.
• When you say goodbye to a friend, assume that one of you is going to die before you ever get to see one another again. If you want to leave something unsaid, fine...but be prepared to leave it unsaid forever.
• Travel, it seems to me, has always done more for flattening the arches, callussing the feet, and irritating the hemorhoids than broadening the mind.
• Slovotsky's Law 29: It ain't over 'til it's over, and maybe not then, either.
• Never come home unexpectedly. It's a break even proposition, at best.
• Slovotsky's Law 31: Get scared right away; avoid the rush.
• I've always figured that talking beats fighting. And talking is only about my third favorite thing.
• Guy I used to know once said, "The government isn't best which governs least -- it's the best government that needs to govern least." I'd swipe it as one of Slovotsky's laws, but it's just a bit too serious, and maybe a smidgen too true.
• The difference between being a trusted friend and a devoted vassal is non-trivial. Me, I'd rather be the first; vassals tend to go the well too often.
• Miscellaneous is always the largest category.
• Fundamentally, every bar is the same as every other one, if it's the kind you're drinking in, to end a sentence with a preposition, which I haven't.
• Slovotsky's Law 37: Some people need less attention than others.
• Arguing is one of life's great pleasures, even if you have to argue with yourself. Course, I could enjoy the other side of that argument, too.
• Probably the most difficult decision real humans have to make is whether something is necessarily brutal or unnecessarily brutal. I wish there was something funny about that, but there you have it.
• Nicolló Machiavelli was an asshole.
• I find that we all get more legendary as time goes by. "Legend" basically means "bullshit."
• When the Black Camel comes for me, I'm not going to go kicking and screaming -- I am, however, going to try to talk him out of it, "No, no, you want the other Walter Slovotsky."
• Slovotsky's Law 43: Thou shalt put thy money where is thy mouth.
• Being right all the time is a real expensive habit.
• There isn't any pleasing some people. The trick is to stop trying.
• A little gentleness goes only a short way. Ladle it out generously, and often, when you can.
• Health hint for the traveler: Don't throw rocks at guys with guns.
• Grab what comfort you can, however you can, whenever you can. The ride gets rocky 'way too often.
• Lying, like eating, can be overdone.
• Tell me again why it's a good idea to take a lot of chances.
• Whatever you want too much, you can't have, so when you really want something, try wanting it a little less.
• When you know not whereof you speak, your mouth is best used for chewing.
• Not getting cut up into bloody little slices is the key to a sound plan.
• If you insist on juggling knives, you're going to get cut.
• Put three nobles in a room for lunch, and before the appetizers are served, you'll have four conspiracies. At least.
• The old saw says that the first time is an accident, the second time a coincidence, and the third time enemy action. As a matter of policy, I'm suspicious of accidents, and I don't believe in coincidences.
• You can trust a married man on this: home is where she is. And if that sounds maudlin -- and I guess it does -- it's maudlin that's been honestly come by, although it did take a second marriage to come by it.
• It's very easy to get what you want. Just think carefully, work hard, and get very, very lucky. Okay, I lied: it's not easy. Sue me.
• If you can manage to sleep until noon, the rest of the world will have worn itself out solving its own problems before you have to get involved. If, that is, they don't get worse -- which is, let's face it, the way to bet.
• When you write a check that your mouth can't cash, the only thing do to is go out and do something about your bank account.
• The first ninety percent of the job takes the first ninety percent of the time. The last ten percent takes the other ninety percent of the time.
• I have one good thing to say about travel: it's the only way I know of to get from here to there. As for the rest of it, you can have it.
• I find it very easy to be philosophical about personal discomfort. As long as it's somebody else's personal discomfort, of course.
• The bad thing about inherited titles is that virtue isn't hereditary. The good thing is that stupidity isn't, either.
• The only good thing I can think of about letting two idiots settle a controversy with a pair of sharp, pointed pieces of metal is that it does settle the controversy.
• When the student outsmarts the teacher, it speaks well for the student -- and probably better for the teacher.
• It takes a lot of time to make things go right, but they can all go to hell in a heartbeat.
• It's not over until it's over, and maybe not even then. (A fat lady singing just means that you're at the opera, or maybe listening to Kate Smith.)
• When you don't know what else to do, stall.
• If you're drowning and someone throws you an anchor, grab it.
• How come you can never find a dragon when you need one?
• I'd always liked Robert Thompson's idea of avoiding compromise, of letting the person with the strong convictions have his own way... and then I realized that encouraged people to have strong convictions when they don't have enough data.
• Bill, your mother swims after troop ships. (In reference to William Shakespeare)